


a blue star is traded for gold

by amosanguis



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dealing with PTSD, Gen, Heavy Angst, OTP: No Not Without You, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Repeated Line, Repetition, title from a song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-07-12
Packaged: 2018-02-08 13:33:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1943040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amosanguis/pseuds/amosanguis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a bad night and Steve just needs to scream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a blue star is traded for gold

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Polski available: [a blue star is traded for gold](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5258681) by [whynothulk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whynothulk/pseuds/whynothulk)



> Title from "The War Was In Color" by Carbon Leaf
> 
> This is for all of us who have Bad Nights.

-z-

 

It is a bad night.

 

-x-

 

It is a night where Steve doesn’t sleep.

A night where he stares at the back of his eyelids ((he can’t keep them open – the shadows lit by a midnight full moon play out his worst nightmares against his wall, his ceiling, his plainly carpeted floor)) and breathes in long and deep.

He pretends he’s back in the ‘40s, in his dingy little apartment and there are arms wrapped around his waist and Bucky’s voice is whispering, soothing, in his ear.

 

-x-

 

It’s a bad night.

 

-x-

 

It’s a night where there are people in the shadows and a man in his doorway – a man coming for him.

In his nightmares – he screams. 

Because when he had found Bucky on that disgusting metal table as he bled and sputtered nonsense, Steve hadn’t been able to scream then.

So that’s how he knows when he’s dreaming ((when he knows when the nightmares have come because they’ve sunk their cold and twisted claws into his spine and begin to tear and rip him apart)) because he’s finally able to just _scream_.  Long and guttural and desperate.

 

-x-

 

It’s a Bad night.

 

-x-

 

He rips open his sketch book, doesn’t mind the darkness in the room as he digs a charcoal pencil deep into the paper.  He tries to scribble his pain across the pages ((it doesn’t work and he chokes on a scream that can’t quite make it out of his lungs and up through his throat)).

He picks up a bottle of vodka and coughs and sputters at the fire on his tongue.  He stomach turns as the liquid lands in his gut.  He knows he can’t get drunk – but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try.

Because it’s one of those nights.

It’s a night that will last for what seems like weeks.

He paces the room.  He checks the locks on the windows, on the doors.  He tries to turn on the television and the radio – but the noise grates on his nerves rather than soothe them, it scrapes and claws against his skin, bites at his ears and reminds him of everything he’s ever lost.

 

-x-

 

It’s a Bad Night.

 

-x-

 

Finally he collapses on his knees.  Exhausted, anxiety high and thick in his throat.  He sees the men in the shadows – sees Red Skull in his doorway, sees him cackling.

Steve stares.

And finally, _finally_ , he screams.  He’s awake – he knows he is because his palms are bleeding from where he nails have dug in – and he can finally _scream_.

All of his fear and anger, all of the pain he’s kept bottled inside of him – he screams with everything he’s ever felt over the years.  Everything from childhood, from boot camp, from finding Bucky and then losing him – from dying and then coming back.

“Sir, are you alright?” JARVIS asks, voice soft and almost too quiet.  Red Skull disappears, the shadows on the wall straighten out into nothing; the Bucky off to his right disappears.

“Yeah,” Steve says, gasping as he tries to catch his breath.  He closes his eyes, presses his fists to his forehead as he leans against the floor.  “I just needed to scream.”

He takes another shuddering breath.   Adds:  “It’s just been a Bad Night.”

 

-z-

 

End.


End file.
